Marauders Massacure
by Queen Katherine
Summary: Sirius has the perfect plan to get back at Snape for turning him into a flying newt. Will it really work? Will Snape be stupid enough to fall for it? Inventions such as Gassy Grapes and Pimple Pops are involved. Things get funny when the moment, and t


Hey! This is my first fanfic, so I am really excited to see how people like it. PLEASE read and review! But.. NO FLAMES!!  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
This is in no way related to Harry Potter. (Well, it is, but not in a way to take over J.K. Rowling's characters.  
  
It was a bright and sunny morning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.. Little did everyone up at the castle know, a master plan was about to be set into motion by none other than the Marauders.   
  
"Do you have everything set up?" asked Sirius anxiously. He looked nervously around the Forbidden Forest, jumping at every slight noise and movement. A nervous grin spread over his worried face.   
  
"YES!" James yelled with an impish grin that made him look like an evil smurf. "This plan has been set up for weeks...Maybe even years.Practically even since the day that I was born! But, Gassy Grapes hadn't been invented way back then. It seems like it was back in the Stone Age.."   
  
"Stuff it, James!" whispered Sirius. If we're going to pull this off, we need to be quiet. This is the master plan to get back at Snape for turning me into that flying newt... I WON'T HAVE YOU MESSING IT UP THIS TIME!!"   
  
"Shh..." James hissed, "We wouldn't want to alert anyone of our presence here, now would we, Sirius? Honestly, you're the one who is telling me to be quiet, and you're screaming your head off! But, you do have to admit that flying around the classroom as a newt and running into people's heads was great. I mean, you did look hilarious."   
  
James was interrupted as Sirius gave him a glaring look and said, "Whose side are you on anyway?"   
  
James replied, in an undaunted tone. "I wish we could have thought that one up. For days afterward you were in a horrible mood. But that was probably because Snape thought up a better plan that you for once. I mean, you usually get the better of him, but he totally rocked you, the stupid git! I actually wanted to give him a high-five! Of course, I would have to sanitize my hands afterward. It's too bad I wasn't paying attention when we learned that cleaning charm. Yuck! Snape cooties...Creepy bugs with slimy black hair crawling all over you and talking about his future career as a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Just jabbering on and on.."   
  
"Shut up!" an agitated Sirius yelled. "You keep gibbering on and on.. Just like my mother.. SHEESH! I am not at home! The only reason I come to Hogwarts is to get away from her and her cooking.. She is a worse cook than Hagrid, which is really saying something. Now," he said, taking a deep breath, "since I have vented out my anger.. Let's put this plan into action!"   
  
"What plan?" asked a smart-alecky voice coming from the bushes behind them.  
  
  
  
Sirius's head shot up, his eyes darted back and forth, searching for the source of the sound. "Did you just hear what I heard?"   
  
James obviously wasn't paying attention. "My mother once made a cake for me..it was big and red with little quaffles and broomsticks all over it. I WANT ANOTHER CAKE LIKE THAT!! What did you say? Once I went to this muggle place called the mall."   
  
"Potter and Black." said the mysterious voice, "The perfect team of Bludger bats. Two dopes with no brains. Snape should have turned you both into newts and left you like that. Then the world could have easily gotten rid of two bumbling idiots."  
  
"Well," James monotonously spoke, "I think that you should be turned into a giant red cake with quaffles and broomsticks all over you, that way I could eat you.. Whoever you are! By the way, who are you? Or, another idea... If we're the Bludger bats, you can be the Bludger! That way we hit you!"   
  
"I am the monster that lives under your bed. I am the person whom you despise the most. I am your worst nightmare. I am." The mysterious voice was suddenly cut off by an earsplitting snort.   
  
"And..." said James excitedly, "the winner is...."   
  
"Lucius Malfoy!" James and Sirius shouted together, pointing at the clump of bushes from whence the voice had come.  
  
"I've finally got him!" Sirius shouted. "Now, I can get back at you for that dragon dung you put in my robes! You played the prank two weeks ago, yet I still smell like Professor Sprout's fertilizer."   
  
A girl named Tori with short brown hair suddenly stepped over the low hedges into the clearing and muttered, "Obviously!"   
  
"It wasn't me!" Lucius hollered defensively, "I only told Snape what to do, got the dung, gave it to him, and showed him the way to the Gryffindor common room. Like I said, I practically had nothing to do with it! So you know what.. CALM DOWN!"   
  
"What is all this noise?" A tall, lanky girl emerged from behind a tree just beyond the other girl. "I thought I warned you guys. Any more noise and McGonagall will bust you! You know how well she can hear, she has ears like a cat.   
  
"Sorry, Katherine," James muttered quietly, "You know how Sirius likes to gibber on and on about random things.Someone probably put an engorgement charm on his ego..again..."   
  
"So, who do we have here?" Katherine asked curiously, noticing Lucius for the first time. "Well, if it isn't Lucius Malfoy. My favorite voodoo doll! Give my greetings to Snivellus, will you? So anyway, what is this 'Master Plan' you were talking about, Sirius?" As Katherine spoke, thin ropes shot out of her wand and wrapped around Malfoy.   
  
Sirius and James both sniggered uncontrollably.   
  
"Yah," exclaimed Tori curiously. "What is this master plan? You know, Katherine, it's probably really bad because Siri didn't steal it from you, like he usually does. I'm amazed he could actually think of something by himself! Wait a sec..he thought! Did it hurt, Siri?"   
  
"Shut up, Tori. Or you won't hear my plan!" Sirius said menacingly.   
  
"Oh! What a tragedy that would be!!"   
  
Katherine high-fived Tori as they both burst into thunderous, rolling laughter that left them in tears.   
  
"Fine. I'll tell you the plan.. But only because it is you, Tori." A disgruntled Sirius said. "Okay, so my plan goes like this:" Sirius paused to pull out a map with little moving stick figures jumping and screaming on it.   
  
James struggled to control a snigger, he knew Sirius couldn't draw anything for Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.  
  
"So, Katherine and Tori, as you can clearly see these two," said Sirius pointing to two of the stick figures wearing skirts, are you guys, and this one, " he said, now pointing at a short figure sporting a giant mass of black slimy hair, "is Snape. We all know how much Snape loves girls, and you two are girls..You are going to keep him occupied while I sneak into the Slytherin common room, using Polyjuice potion so I look like him. I will go around and pass out pictures of Snape as a baby. You know, the one that makes his head huge and his body puny..I also bewitched it so it will talk about the time that Snape chased the Minister of Magic around with nothing on but flypaper on his rear, which is one of his worst childhood memories. Oh, what I would have given to see that. Anyway, it makes Snape look like a stupid git because it will appear that he is blackmailing himself. Soon, there will be pictures of 'ickle Snivellus' all over Hogwarts for our enjoyment."   
  
"I'm surprised!" Katherine exclaimed, after Sirius had finished. "That is really good for you. Usually you just talk about slipping dragon dung into Snape's chamber pot or something. You know, really stupid stuff like that. You know, slipping dung into a chamber pot? How can that be called a prank?"   
  
"But that's not all!" Sirius exclaimed, "I am also going to have Prongs put an enlargement charm on Snape's already overly-large nose to make it even bigger than usual! Then, Moony is going to fly in on a broomstick dressed like a reporter from the Daily Prophet and write an article on how Snape is a stupid git. The best part is that I got Dumbledore's permission to let me start a school newspaper, run by the Marauders, of course. And you can guess what the headline will be on the debut issue."   
  
With a grin, Sirius nodded as Katherine and Tori quickly set Lucius free.   
  
  
  
Later that day, in Charms class, Katherine felt a jab in the small of her back. She slipped her hand back and felt two grubby paper shapes in her hand. In minute handwriting on the two shapes of paper it said:   
  
Kay  
and  
Tori  
  
  
Katherine suddenly "dropped her quill" while Tori reached down to pull out a piece of parchment. Katherine kicked one of the papers over to Tori, hoping that Professor Flitwick wouldn't notice. As Tori picked her note up off the floor, she noticed its shape. "Funny," she thought, "a heart.Just like the stupid git!"   
  
Hello, my lovely Torrina. Here is the real master plan for today:   
I have invented a new practical joke to try out on "ickle Snivellus"! It's a food called "Gassy Grapes". After Snivellus eats them, he will blow up like the Goodyear Blimp. (Whatever that is...) and we will be able to control him with our wands, and make him run into things, like Malfoy and/or chandeliers! That is all, let me know what you think. Goodbye, my lovely soon-to-be girlfriend.   
The elusive heart-snatcher,  
Sirius Black  
  
  
"Yuck!" Tori thought, "Gassy Grapes.. I wonder what brought that on? What will he think up next? And his soon-to be girlfriend? Yuck!"  
  
Hey!! Sorry.. But PLEASE read and Review! 


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